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AJ
07-10-2005, 00:39
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."

Boom Boom its the way i tell em! :lol:

AJ
07-10-2005, 00:39
A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?"

She says, "What's that?"

He says, "We go to my house and ****, and then you disappear."

AJ
07-10-2005, 00:40
An ugly woman was walking along the street and a guy comes and asks her, "Are those 2 kids yours?"
"Yes," sad the lady.
Are they twins?"
"No, no, the girl is 12 and my boy is 7.
How come you think that they are twins?"
"Because I can't believe that you've been ****ed twice."

AJ
07-10-2005, 00:40
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
Man says to God: "But why did you make her so stupid?"
God says: "So she would love you."

AJ
07-10-2005, 00:41
Q: Why are there so many homes for battered women?
A: Because they just don't ****ing listen!!

AJ
07-10-2005, 00:41
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, "You as horny as I am? And she always acts like she's sound asleep!

AJ
07-10-2005, 00:42
Q: How are airplanes and women alike?
A: They both have ****pits!

AJ
07-10-2005, 00:44
Q: If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame?

A: The motorcyclist is. He shouldn't have been riding in the kitchen?

AJ
07-10-2005, 00:44
One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"
The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with plenty."

AJ
07-10-2005, 00:45
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. 'I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!' 'Okay,' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. 'I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, 'I wish my friends were back here!'

AJ
07-10-2005, 00:46
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of world capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of London?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: L."

AJ
07-10-2005, 00:47
A British Airways employee took a call from a blonde asking the question, "How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?" "Um, just a minute, if you please," he murmured. Then, as he turned to check the exact flight time, he heard an equally polite, "Thank you," as the phone went dead.

AJ
07-10-2005, 00:47
Two blonde girls were talking and one couldn't help but notice how pretty and beautiful the others skin was. So she asked her outright what made her skin so soft and beautiful."Well, once a week I fill the bathtub with milk and just soak in it."

So the blonde went to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd like a lot of milk."

"How much?" asked the farmer.

"Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."

He asked, "Pasteurized?"

"No...just up to my boobies."

AJ
07-10-2005, 00:49
Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, ‘That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?’

Kathy takes a sniff and replies, ‘That is nice. What's it called?’

‘Viens a moi,’ replies Nancy.

‘Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?’

At this stage the assistant offers some help. ‘Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French.’

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, ‘That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?’

AJ
07-10-2005, 00:50
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

AJ
07-10-2005, 00:50
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said "For best results, put on two coats."

Scouse Monkey
07-10-2005, 01:26
:lol:

Confused
07-10-2005, 06:43
Haha! :lol:

2Fast
07-10-2005, 11:26
:lol:

Scouse Monkey
07-10-2005, 12:09
:lol:

AJ
07-10-2005, 14:35
OI AS THIS MY JOKES ONLY THREAD NO CRAPPY SMILEYS!!!!

davemark
07-10-2005, 15:23
:lol:

Scouse Monkey
07-10-2005, 15:32
:lol:

2Fast
07-10-2005, 15:38
:lol:

Confused
07-10-2005, 19:14
:lol:

LinITX.com
07-10-2005, 20:28
:lol:

AJ
08-10-2005, 10:10
B

AJ
08-10-2005, 10:11
A

AJ
08-10-2005, 10:11
S

AJ
08-10-2005, 10:12
it was gonna say BASTARDS but i cant be asked to continue